News for the ‘random things that i write’ Category

Packing

I stood in the room, which room was it? The bedroom, oh that’s right, I came in here to get my blue duffle bag. I have to pack. It’s tomorrow. I have to pack right now because it’s already well past midnight. Do I need to sleep tonight? Will there be a need to be awake tomorrow?
Why am I packing? Do I need clothes?
I will come out of there, probably. Probably is as good as it gets.
I don’t know.
I feel heavy, deciding on the types of clothes to bring is heavy. I should pack something else instead.
I turn on the light in the bathroom. Has it always been so goddamned bright?
Ow, it probably wasn’t a good idea to just rip that fluorescent tube out.
It’s darker now, okay, it’s darker now.
I can’t really see my own face anymore. That’s good, I don’t want to see this face.
So…
Toothpaste? Sure
Toothbrush? Yeah, probably, to go with the toothpaste.
Shampoo? Conditioner? Oh wait, I don’t have hair.
I laughed.
I got to laugh.
A towel? Is a hospital like a hotel? Do I need these things?
I didn’t know. I’ve never had to stay overnight at a hospital before.
Perhaps I won’t have to tomorrow.
But I hope I do. I hope so, fuck, I hope I get to stay.
I took a deep breath.
I hope I get to eat green colored jello.
I hope I get to suck on ice chips.
I hope…..
I hope that I won’t have to die.
I go back into the bedroom and picked out soft clothes, a half-finished novel, my ipod.
Where I’m going I hope I’ll need it all.
I really need to need it.
I need it.

trying to write everyday! i watched 50/50 today. I’m really glad that I went alone. I cried a lot, and it was really ugly so it was good that i went alone. i wrote one scene, or at least which i imagined it should have been a painful scene….

here’s the trailer for 50/50
it’s funny, and not shown at most theaters anymore. i had to go to a smaller theater, but whatever, it was fine.

Posted: November 15th, 2011
Categories: EMBEDS, random things that i write
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(not so) high and mighty

Here I was, standing at the top of the stairs, coming out of a place that I wasn’t even supposed to be. A place that wasn’t meant for people like me, not for people with shattered clothes, a broken smile, where nothing is good, and nothing is fine. I got drunk at this place, left the bill for someone else but worst of all I called him at the end of it all.
The not-yet-warm Beijing wind blew against my tear-stained face. And there he was, at the bottom of the stairs. A taxi sat patiently at the curb, waiting, running its meter no doubt. The color was too vivid between the dullness between the two of us.
“Come on, let’s go,” he said with an exhausted sigh.
I looked at him and I looked away. I felt humiliated, but I was happy, I was suddenly happy by his appearance. He came for me. He came to bring me home.
“I didn’t mean to trouble you,” I replied. I was too exhausted just minutes ago, until he appeared before my eyes, erasing everything, past and future. All there was left was the present.
He opened his mouth to say something, but he sighed instead, he sighed louder this time.
Completely exasperated he managed to mutter, “I know you are not that type of person.”
It didn’t sound like a compliment, it wasn’t a compliment. Wait, was it a compliment? I bit my lip in anticipation but before I could stop myself, I went and said it.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
The winter still hasn’t left, spring wasn’t around the corner. I took a gingerly step down. The distance between us lessened, but it had never felt further. We really had broken up.
“You don’t ever give me a chance, your words…” he paused, “have you ever thought about how I felt?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You really don’t understand?”
He looked away and back. I bit my tongue and fought back the urge to scream, to swear, to be cruelly sarcastic.
“What happened between us, it didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t that simple. Just think about it, we’ve been together for so long, seven years.”
It was true, it had been seven years.
“Every time we fought, you had to have the last word. You had to be right. Without ever saying a single swear word at me, it was plenty enough to send me to hell a hundred times over. You had your words, your words protected you. You felt better about it all afterwards, but what about me? Every time, I was like an injured animal, looking for a way out that still left me with a shred of dignity.”
I bit my lip down more, was he right? Had I always like this?
“You are always a proud one, standing there, not a single word muttered, so high and mighty.”
He was wrong, I didn’t feel high and mighty, I’ve never felt high and mighty.
“I have to see you from below, wondering if you are feeling okay. If your needs were met. I can’t take it anymore. My neck hurts, it’s broken, I can’t lean back that much anymore. I’ve had enough. Have you ever really thought about it? Are you the only one with pride? Are you the only that deserves to be treated with respected? Are you the only one in the whole goddamned world that has dignity?”
He sighed louder.
I felt shattered, yet I was able to keep a straight face. Perhaps he was right.
“I need to go. I am done. I am going to take my broken down self away and far away. I am leaving. I am going to start a new life. You’ll never change. I’m not like you, I need to go forward, do you understand?”
Without waiting for a reply, he got into the taxi that were supposed to be for the both of us. He left me here, stranded, standing at the second highest step of the staircase. I was up high, not mighty at all. I was suddenly left with nothing.

I am not feeling creative these days so I steal things to write everyday. This is a scene from a movie that I saw yesterday called Love is not Blind, it is a chinese movie that came out recently about a girl that was dumped and the 33 days after that. This was one scene in that film. I’ve embedded the scene.

starts at 6’11, there are english subtitles but the video quality is too low to actually see anything.

Posted: November 14th, 2011
Categories: EMBEDS, random things that i write
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on loneliness

There’s that feeling of knowing something and not knowing something. The thing that I don’t know is the thing that I think I know. The other day, I felt lonely, this loneliness that I couldn’t really explain. I couldn’t explain it because I was oddly happy. I haven’t been this happy in ages. So why would I be feeling lonely? That’s the feeling that I didn’t know. But I did know the feeling of loneliness, and it felt exactly like that, whether true or not. I thought about it a lot, but it came to my mind suddenly just now as to why I would be feeling lonely. I am too happy to be by myself. That isn’t right, my body is making me feel lonely so I would go make some friends, just so that I’ll go outside. I don’t think my body understands, but I’d rather be this way.
Somehow I reasoned my way out of feeling lonely. That’s too incredible! I didn’t even need any drugs or alcohol!

Posted: June 8th, 2011
Categories: random things that i write
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